Happiness
by daevilgenius
Summary: Can we ever find that simple happiness with our hands filthy with blood? An Ishbal Fic. Spoilers for chapter 58 and 59 of the manga.Royai.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Soldiers and Alchemy

"I believed that alchemy would give people dreams and hope and that the military would protect this country's future…" she said without looking at him. She stared at her hands and wondered if she will ever see them clean again.

Roy stayed silent, looking at the beautiful horizon, the sun setting into the desert dunes, a bitter mockery towards the unsightly reality of the present surrounding them.

"Please tell me major," he turned towards her, "why are soldiers who ought to protect the citizens killing them instead?" She choked on the guilt of her own words. Before he could answer her, she continued, looking at him with those hazel eyes, _killer's eyes_, "why is alchemy which ought to bring happiness to the people, being used for murder?"

Hearing it from her was more painful then having admitted it himself. _Dogs of the military indeed, we're all killers. _The sorrow in her eyes matched those of his own, his _killer's eyes._

He walked towards her, dust floating slightly off the ground with each step. Her eyes were no longer staring into his but gazing at the horizon, the sun no longer visible. He seated himself next to her and sighed, hardly audible but she heard it nonetheless. In the uncanny stillness of the dessert, even a soft click of the safety could be heard from miles away.

"I never thought that you, of all people would be here", he said, breaking the silence. "I suppose I should be grateful, I may not even be here if it weren't for you earlier today", he went on when she didn't say anything.

"Why are we even here Roy?" she turned and faced him. Even with her face half hidden in shadow, he could see her eyes were glistened with tears too stubborn to fall. "I look at my hands and all I can see are the blood of those I killed, people whom I only see through the scope of my rifle". She was looking down at her hands again and Roy saw that they were shaking, ever so slightly, but shaking.

She clenched her hands, her fingernails digging into her palm. Roy placed his own hands over hers, holding them steady. He felt water drip onto his hands, those stubborn tears finally falling. She let out a sob, and soon found herself wrapped in his strong arms. "Reality's a bitch" he said, now softly patting her back as she clenched onto his overcoat, face buried in his chest, stifling the painful sobs.

"I will change it all Riza", he said, embracing her tighter. "Soldiers will protect and alchemy will bring happiness". She looked up at him. She thought of how foolish his words were until she met his gaze. "Your father's work... I will prove to him that I can use it to bring happiness". His voice, never had she heard him speak like that before. Never had she seen him look so serious.

"Let's just get through this fucked up war", he said, and without thought, without any hesitation, he kissed her. As though in retaliation, she forcefully kissed him back. They parted abruptly when their ears pricked with the sounds of footsteps approaching. Roy turned his head, his eyes narrowed, focused at the darkness ahead, finger poised to snap. Riza clutched her handgun and was about to remove the safety when Hughes stepped into the light.

"It's just me" he said, his hands in his coat pocket as he walked towards Roy and Riza. "You two better get back to camp if you don't want to starve. They're serving swill" he said, his face contorted with disgust. "I preferred yesterday's" he added.

Roy got up, followed by Riza. Riza moved to salute Hughes but he waved it off. "Nobody here gives a damn about formalities", he said to her. She lowered her hands and excused herself before setting off towards the camps.

"Old friends Roy?" he asked, as Roy stared at Riza's back as she slowly disappeared into the darkness. "You could say that" he replied, a hint of sadness in his voice. "Her father was my master".

Hughes didn't inquire further. "You better go eat", he said, slapping Roy on the back, causing him to stumble forward. "At least the two of you don't have to worry about getting caught, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want to court martial their precious weapon for fraternizing" he said, his tone almost cynical.

"Very funny Maes" Roy said, and the two of them headed back to camp.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: A normal life

The crackling of the fire was a constant daunting reminder of what she saw. With a snap of the fingers, it was as though he became the God of Flames. Unlike Kimbley, thrilled like a boy on Christmas each time his explosions massacred the Ishbalans, Roy's soul was slowly being shredded, each snap of his fingers more painful then the one before. It was apparent on his face, the fear of his own power, the fear of being forever haunted by those he killed.

Through the scope of her rifle she saw him use the power her father had perfected amplified by the stone, saw him regret each snap of his fingers, saw him stagger when out of sight of his comrades, the pain in his heart and soul ripping his very existence that merely standing was becoming agonizing. It terrified her the first time she saw it, the first time Roy had used the stone, but when she saw the look on his eyes, she feared for him.

"Hawkeye"

Riza snapped out of her stupor. Suddenly aware of her surroundings, she turned to find Roy standing opposite the fire, looking at her. "Sir…"

He walked around the fire and sat next to her. "You saw it all didn't you?" he said, as he removed his gloves and pocketed them. She knew what he meant but chose to stay silent. She continued to gaze at the fire.

"Even if no one else saw me, I knew that you did. I've got a Hawk's eye on me after all" he said, averting her eyes, which were now looking at him. He now stared at the fire, a bitter after taste in his mouth.

"Sir…"

"Please call me Roy. There's nobody around", he interrupted.

"Roy…" she wanted to say something to comfort him but she couldn't find the words. Instead, she offered him the cup of coffee she was drinking.

Roy turned to her, slightly surprised but accepted it nonetheless. He took a sip, cringed at the bitterness of it (_we can't even get proper coffee in this hell hole_) but savoured the warmth as he swallowed it. "I wouldn't exactly call it coffee but it's better then nothing" she said, when she saw the expression on his face. "I'm already used to it".

"Thanks" he said as he gave Riza back the cup.

For a long while, all that could be heard were the sounds of the fire crackling and Riza sipping her coffee. The shadows around them danced with the rhythm set by the flames, conducted by the breeze.

He finally broke the momentary silence. "I meant it".

"Huh?"

"The kiss. I meant every bit of it".

Two weeks had passed since that day.

"I know you did Roy. I meant every bit of it too". _I've known you long time Roy. You've always meant it. I could always tell. That was the one thing about you, it seems, that hasn't been changed by the war._

Simple words were all that was needed between them. Even after being apart for years, one meeting was all that was needed to rekindle the understanding they had years before.

He sighed and continued, "Maes received a letter from Gracia today. He told me that once the war was over he was going to marry her…"

* * *

"So you'll embrace the woman you love with those hands filthy with blood".

"YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT!" Maes shouted as he grabbed they front of Roy's uniform.

Roy didn't even retaliate, simply allowing Maes to do as he wished, simply looking at him.

"I figured it out while I was here. To own a house with the woman you love and live normally is a happiness that can exist anywhere. But it's the greatest happiness!" he spat at Roy.

"I'll do anything in order to have that happiness! I'LL SURVIVE!" His eyes were flashing. His grip tightened. "What happened here… I'll take in what I've done here alone and smile when I'm in front of her! I'll make her happy…!" Roy averted his eyes, unable to look at his friend any longer.

An angry silence, then Maes released Roy roughly. "There's no time to talk about such trivial things. We've got work. Hurry and get ready".

* * *

Riza was slightly stunned. She had never seen, much less even heard of Maes Hughes being so angry before. _War changes everyone._

Roy heaved a sigh and looked at Riza. He stared at the fire the whole time he told her about Maes.

"He really loves her" Riza said. She looked up at Roy, her hands now twirling the handle of the long emptied cup.

"I envy Maes, able to love someone with blood stained hands and hide it from her. I wonder if such normalcy is even possible after all this" he gestured vaguely at the surrounding.

"I don't think we can ever be normal. After what we've seen, after all that we've done, I don't think we can ever truly be normal but….", she fell silent for a moment, contemplating.

"But I think it's possible to come close to what people considers normal", she finished, a small smile on her lips as her hazel eyes looked into his onyx ones. She could see the flames dancing in his eyes.

"Happiness is normal, and Hughes is right saying that it can exist anywhere. Amongst all this blood, gore and guilt, everyone deserves the chance to find happiness", she continued, now looking back at the fire.

"How can I find happiness, after all I've committed?" Roy asked, a bitter note in his voice. _How can I deserve happiness after all the murder I've committed? How can I deserve you after all that I've done?_

"By making others happy", she said simply as though it was the most obvious thing is the world. She turned to face him. He avoided her gaze, staring straight at the fire.

_What has this war done to us Roy? _

_Will we ever atone the sins we have committed Riza? _

_Will we ever find happiness?_

"I better go", he said as he stood up. "It's getting late. Goodnight Riza". He turned and walked towards his tent.

"Goodnight… Roy", she replied and she saw him wave as he continued to walk, slowly disappearing behind the sea of tents.

Roy's lips tugged into a lopsided grin when he heard her called him by his name. "One day Riza…" he whispered to himself as he ducked his head and entered his tent.

Riza stayed by the fire for a moment longer before she got up and headed towards his tent


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Changes

Roy was sitting on his camp bed, unknowingly staring at the lit oil lamp when he heard someone opening the flap of his tent. He turned and was startled to find Riza ducking her head and entering his tent.

"Riza?"

She didn't say anything. Instead, she continued to walk towards him. She kneeled between his knees and softly cupped his face in her hands. He could feel slight roughness on her hands. _The war has even changed her beautiful hands… _

"What are you…", she placed a finger on his lips.

"Shh. We all deserve happiness Roy. Even you" she whispered. She then placed her lips over his, caressing them softly.

It wasn't long before Roy kissed her in return, his hands roaming to the back of her neck, pulling her closer towards him. The kiss was very unlike the one a fortnight ago. It was soft, lips pillowed against each other. It was unhurried, as though time had ceased for them alone. It was also bittersweet, neither Roy nor Riza daring to forget the aching present (their guilt would never allow it).

They part for air, breathing in the scent of each other along with the putrid smell of war that they very much wished to forget.

"Even after all I've done?" Roy asked, forehead leaning on hers.

"I don't care what you have done. We are dogs of the military Roy", she replied softly. She started kissing the side of his lips, kissing his cheek, kissing his neck then pushing aside his collar, and finally kissing his collarbone, erupting goosebumps on his skin. _There are things which remain the same…_

She slowly unbuttoned his shirt, slipping her hands beneath it, her hands roaming at the newly exposed skin as she pushed the shirt past his shoulders. As her fingers worked to remove the unwanted clothing, her lips were once again on his neck. A sudden jerk and hiss from Roy immediately caused Riza to pause. He wore a slightly pained expression thus Riza completely removed his shirt, tossing it carelessly to the floor.

There she saw it, an ugly bruise just below his left shoulder. She tenderly ran a finger over it. Roy looked down at her and saw that her brows were furrowed. He took the hand hovering over the bruise, and said to her, "It's nothing Riza".

"I didn't know it was this bad" she said. "I didn't think it had hit you that hard". She stayed silent as she continued to look at the discoloured skin.

"It's just a bruise Riza. It'll heal". _It's only a bruise…_

He kissed her forehead, then lifted up her chin and placed another kiss on her lips. She opened her mouth a little, allowing access to him. He could still taste the coffee in her mouth, as his tongue and hers battled for dominance. Only in ranks they differed, but in every other aspect, they were equals. She was not one to allow domination, and that was exactly what he loved about her.

He parted, causing her slight irritation but she was soon moaning softly as he trailed kisses on her cheek and just below her chin. He nibbled a little on the tip of her ear, one hand pushing back her hair whilst the other on her waist. He went back to kissing her cheek when she suddenly pulled back.

She stood up, taking his hands with her, beckoning him to join her. It didn't need telling twice before he stood before her, lips once again pressed against hers. His hands roamed once more over her body, softly rubbing her back. His fingers slowly moved to the hem of her black t-shirt, pulling it up, exposing her stomach. He slipped his hands beneath the shirt, rubbing her sides. His lips and hers were constantly caressing each other.

Her hands too were roaming over his exposed body. She soon settled with one hand on his chest whilst the other in his hair.

They parted, and he lifted up her shirt, pulling it over her head. He started trailing more kisses over her collarbone, smiled a little as she suppressed a giggle (_still ticklish there I see…some things don't change)_ and continued to leave butterfly kisses over her chest, between her breast and he was soon kneeling, kissing her stomach but stopping abruptly when he came across a fresh scar just below her bellybutton.

"When did you get this?" he asked, a silent rage emerging itself within him. His fingers stroked the scar tenderly. "About two weeks ago. A rogue bullet" she said, her hands now resting on his shoulders. "It's healing" she said, making him look at her small smile. _Injuries heal…_

He returned to kissing her stomach. She beckoned him to stop for a moment as she unlaced her boots and kicked them off. Whilst she was doing so, he had spread a sheet on the floor (_As if the bed was going to be big enough)._

Both their trousers were soon found at some remote part of the tent, and she was lying beneath him, being constantly subjected to his adoring kisses and teasing bites. She too had her little demeanours in bed, never allowing Roy to suckle her nipples. _It's for our children Roy_ she teased him. Yes, they had talked of children light-heartedly once.

_I still want to be the father of our children Riza, just give me time. Let me become a father worthy of our children…_

_I wish that one day I could be the mother of our children Roy. Do you think that is nothing but an unrealistic fantasy?_

_Can we ever find that simple happiness with our hands filth with blood?_

Senses now heightened beyond comprehension, they were soon joined as one, a familiar emotion erupting in them once again. There was simply too much death surrounding them for their love-making to ever be truly romantic. A combination of lust, guilt, desire, and love made it all too bitter-sweet, just like the moment their lips had touched each other.

Desperate to mute the barely controllable moans, she would bite her lip, a little too hard when he hit her g-spot that a she could taste her own blood, unwillingly letting out a surprised gasp. He would look up at her, his head buried at the nape of her neck previously, and he would kiss her, tasting her blood on his lips.

The night wore on as they continued to make love in silence, too fearful of getting caught and twisted inside at the guilt of feeling such completion in a war where everything was torn.

They moaned each other's name as they climaxed. She held him tightly as she felt a wave of sensation consume her. He too held her tight, a childish fear that he would lose her once it was all over. He kissed her passionately once again before rolling to her side.

They were both panting slightly, bodies now covered in sweat and a musky smell of sex.

"Everyone deserves some kind of happiness", she whispered into his ear. She sat up and bent down to kiss him. She moved to get up but he caught her wrist. He didn't look at her at first, his head still bowed down, the short bangs of his hair casting a shadow over his eyes.

"Roy?"

"One day Riza…" he looked up slowly. "One day, I'm going to change it all and make you happy". His voice was soft but she could see the determination in his eyes, eyes which many found so difficult to read.

He was now sitting up as well, level with Riza. She looked at him, put her hand on his cheek and leaned her forehead against his. "Make _us_ happy" she said. She smiled at him and after one final kiss, they both got up and started putting on their clothes.

As she started to walk towards the exit, he asked her, "Will you be there for me?"

"Always", she replied. She ducked her head once again and he could hear her footsteps fade away.


End file.
